


Love Me Now or Let Me Go

by priestlys



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, F/F, Older Woman/Younger Woman, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-08 09:34:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15927698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priestlys/pseuds/priestlys
Summary: “The only good thing about your going away is that it is so good to have you again. [...] It is so wonderful when you are back.”— Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from lyrics from ["Feel Something"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5gQtyobFLg) by Jaymes Young.  
> "I don't care if it hurts  
> I'll pay my weight in blood  
> To feel my nerves wake up  
> So love me now or let me go."
> 
> I may be posting additional chapters, but no promises. This is my first Janequeline fic, so be sure to let me know what you think!

 

Jane was five drinks in and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. She’d turned off her phone, no longer equipped to deal with anyone or anything for the remainder of the night. She had vodka and a book. Which was enough.

She struggled to focus, rereading the same sentence a fourth time. It occurred to her that there might be better times to try and process feminist theory than while drunk, but she shrugged to herself and soldiered on.

“Jane?”

Jane whipped her head around so quickly it almost hurt. When she saw the person approaching her, she slammed the book closed and audibly groaned. Of all the fucking people.

“Hello, Jacqueline,” Jane greeted her former boss curtly. “Did you come to rub it in?”

“Excuse me?” Jacqueline slid onto a bar stool next to Jane, glancing down at her book. “Adrienne Rich, huh?”

“What do you want?” Jane asked petulantly, taking a large gulp of her drink.

“I just came here for a drink,” Jacqueline said, holding up her hands in a show of surrender. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“Yeah, well,” Jane chuckled humorlessly. “You don’t have to pretend like you care anymore.”

“What?” Jacqueline asked, genuinely confused.

“You wouldn’t take me back,” Jane said angrily, tears pooling in her eyes. “I thought you cared about me. But I came back to you, and you didn’t want me.”

“Jane…” Jacqueline placed her hand on the smaller woman’s shoulder. “How many of those have you had?”

“Why does it matter?” Jane asked, shrugging her shoulder to displace Jacqueline’s hand. “It’s not like you give a shit about me.”

Jacqueline winced, unsure of what to say. She sighed and took a long sip of her drink. Jane just stared at her angrily, as though daring Jacqueline to prove her wrong.

“Jane,” Jacqueline finally sighed. “You can’t really believe I don’t care about you.”

“Well, if you do, you have a funny way of showing it,” Jane snapped, trying to signal for the bartender to bring her another drink.

“I think you’ve had enough,” Jacqueline said, not unkindly. She grabbed Jane’s hand and pulled it down, lacing their fingers together. Jane’s expression went from stormy to perplexed in a few short moments, but this time she didn’t pull away.

“I’m sorry,” Jane said softly. “I...shouldn’t have said all of that.”

“Shhh,” Jacqueline soothed her. “It’s okay.”

Jane looked unconvinced. She lowered her head and stared blankly at the wall of liquor in front of her. The bar was becoming more and more crowded, and the volume level was steadily increasing as well.

“You’re okay,” Jacqueline tried again, leaning in closer to try and cut through the noise of the bar. She took a deep breath and spoke tentatively. “ _We’re_ okay.”

Jane glanced up, momentarily locking eyes with Jacqueline before again dropping her gaze. It looked like she was about to break out in full fledged sobs, and it made Jacqueline’s chest feel tight. Using her free hand, she texted her driver to meet them out front. She then slipped the bartender her credit card and instructed him to pay out both of their tabs.

“I’m going to let go for a second, okay? Just long enough to sign this receipt.”

Jane nodded weakly. Jacqueline’s phone chimed as she signed the receipt. She saw it was a reply from her driver and let out a sigh of relief. She slipped her phone and Jane’s book into her bag.

“We’re gonna go now. Just hold onto me and we’ll get through the crowd,” Jacqueline instructed. She stood, helping Jane off her stool. She wrapped an arm around Jane to steady her as they pushed through the proverbial sardine can of patrons. Jacqueline led the smaller woman in the direction of her town car, opening the door so she could climb inside first. Jane was unsteady on her feet, and her stiletto caught in the crack of the sidewalk. Jacqueline tried in vain to keep her from falling, but Jane barrelled into the back seat head first.

“Are you okay?” Jacqueline asked, quickly following her into the car. “Jane. Are you okay?” She helped Jane sit upright. “Talk to me. Please,” Jacqueline cradled the other woman’s face in her hands, turning it to face her. Her brow was furrowed, and she was clearly worried.

Instead of answering the question, Jane’s face broke into a broad, silly grin and she burst out laughing. Jacqueline eyed her questioningly, but offered her own relieved smile.

“What’s so funny?” Jacqueline smirked. She realized she still held Jane’s face in her hands and dropped them to her shoulders instead.

Jane shrugged, biting her lip nervously as she brought her own hands up to cover Jacqueline’s. “Thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome,” Jacqueline replied softly. “Whatever you might think, I do care about you.”

They met each other’s eyes, and for once Jacqueline was the first to look away. Jane slowly lifted her hand, tentatively brushing it along the editor’s cheek. Jacqueline’s eyes fluttered shut, and she leaned into the touch. But almost immediately, she seemed to realize what she was doing and the reality of the situation stirred her from her reverie.

“Jane…” Jacqueline grabbed Jane’s hand, reluctantly moving it away from her face.

“Don’t say it,” Jane pleaded. She turned away from Jacqueline, her eyes once again filling with tears. “Not tonight. Please.”

“Where are Kat and Sutton?”

“I…I told them I wanted to be alone,” Jane choked back a sob. “But I don’t. I don’t want to be alone. Jacqueline, please don’t make me be alone. Please.”

Jane’s resolve crumbled in seconds and she began sobbing openly. Something in Jacqueline broke. She wrapped her arms around Jane, pulling the small woman against her. Jane’s shoulders heaved violently as she continued to cry.

Jacqueline shushed her and began to rub Jane’s back soothingly. “I wouldn’t—won’t—do that to you, Jane. I promise.”

“Ma’am?” Daniel, Jacqueline’s driver spoke up. “Where to?”

“Please don’t leave me,” Jane pleaded against Jacqueline, the words muffled and barely audible despite the fact that she had stopped crying.

Jacqueline ran a hand through her hair, carefully weighing her options. Jane looked so small, so vulnerable, tucked under her arm, and it broke Jacqueline’s heart. On the one hand, Jane wasn’t her employee anymore, so she didn’t have to worry about any professional repercussions. But on the other, she wasn’t entirely sure how Jane would react if she woke up, sober, in Jacqueline’s condo.

“I’m so tired,” Jane murmured, nestling closer to Jacqueline. “So sleepy.”

Jacqueline sighed heavily, finally coming to a decision. “Take us home.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After receiving such positive responses to the first chapter, I decided to write an additional installment. In theory, the fic should be at least three chapters total, but it may turn into more if the story still feels plausible to me.
> 
> Thanks for the feedback, and please keep it coming! Let me know what you like or don’t like and what you feel works or doesn’t work. Constructive criticism is always welcome! :)
> 
> Title comes from lyrics from ["Feel Something"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5gQtyobFLg) by Jaymes Young.  
> "I don't care if it hurts  
> I'll pay my weight in blood  
> To feel my nerves wake up  
> So love me now or let me go."

By the time they reached Jacqueline’s building, Jane was fast asleep.

“Jane,” Jacqueline said softly, “We’re here.”

Jane blinked a few times and raised her eyelids to half mast. She yawned, but nodded, allowing Jacqueline to help her out of the car, through the lobby, and into the elevator. They reached the top floor and Jacqueline silently thanked the universe that the boys were with Ian for the weekend. She unlocked the door and closed it behind them, walking Jane over to the couch.

Jacqueline knelt down in front of the couch, sliding Jane’s shoes off. “I’ll bring you a blanket.”

“No,” Jane shook her head. “Bed.”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jacqueline replied hesitantly.

“Bed,” Jane ordered, hazy, but with a little more conviction. “S’fine. Bed.” She stood up, bracing herself against Jacqueline.

“Jane…” Jacqueline began to protest, but Jane cut her off, covering Jacqueline’s mouth with her hand.

“Bed,” she repeated.

“Okay,” Jacqueline finally sighed. She moved Jane’s hand to the arm of the couch so she could stand up, then wrapped an arm around her waist to help keep her upright while they walked to the bedroom.

“Do you want some pajamas?” Jacqueline asked, depositing Jane on the side of the bed.

Jane nodded sleepily. “Can you help me change?”

Jacqueline looked heavenward, wondering how the hell she had gotten herself in this situation. Oh well. In for a penny, in for a pound. “Let me get them.” She grabbed two pairs of pajamas out of a nearby drawer, laid them out on the bed “I’m going to take off your bra now,” Jacqueline narrated. “Is that alright?” Jane nodded.

“Okay.” Jacqueline took a deep breath, psyching herself up. She reached under Jane’s shirt and unhooked her bra, careful to touch her as little as possible. She removed the straps from Jane’s arms one by one and tossed the undergarment onto a nearby chair. “Can you raise your arms?”

Jane nodded again, slowly complying. Jacqueline averted her eyes and grabbed the hem of Jane’s top, pulling it up and over her head. She picked up one of the pajama tops and slid it over Jane’s head, maneuvering her arms into the straps.

Okay. Half done. This wasn’t so hard.

“Can you raise your hips for a second?”

Jane did, and Jacqueline unbuttoned the slacks and pulled them off of Jane’s legs. She grabbed the matching pajama bottoms and sank to her knees, gulping when she realized she was barely a foot away from Jane’s black lace boyshorts. She quickly finished helping Jane into the pajama bottoms and scrambled to her feet as quickly as she could, finally releasing the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She lifted Jane off of the bed and pulled the sheets back, helping her get under them. Jane curled into a small ball and immediately fell back asleep.

Jacqueline grabbed the other pair of pajamas and went into her ensuite, sliding down the back of the door as soon as it closed. She sat on the cool tile, forcing herself to take deep breaths. She made the  decision to sleep on the pull-out in the living room and went on about her bedtime routine, taking off her makeup, moisturizing, and changing clothes. She came out of the bathroom and stood there for a long moment, watching Jane’s chest rise and fall as she slept. Jacqueline smiled to herself, grabbed a set of sheets from the linen closet, and didn’t take her eyes off of Jane until the bedroom door clicked shut behind her.

* * *

A few hours later, Jane woke up feeling like her bladder might explode. She sleepily made her way to the bathroom, vaguely realizing that she didn’t know where she was. She was curious enough to leave the room to look for clues, but not lucid enough to discern what they meant. She noticed Jacqueline laying down, and crawled in next to her without really thinking.

Jane snuggled up close to Jacqueline, who wrapped herself around the small woman instinctively, without stirring. Jane smiled to herself groggily, and fell back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT (12.8.18): I’ve decided to make this the final chapter of LMNOLMG for the time being. I’ve had a hard time trying to figure out where to take the fic and I would rather end it while I’m proud of what I’ve wrote than try to force anything. 
> 
> I do have a few other fic ideas for these two written down that I’m hoping to work on in the future. 
> 
> Thanks for all your comments & support,  
> Andi


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from lyrics from ["Feel Something"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5gQtyobFLg) by Jaymes Young.  
> "I don't care if it hurts  
> I'll pay my weight in blood  
> To feel my nerves wake up  
> So love me now or let me go."

Sunlight spilled through the uncovered windows, waking Jacqueline. She lay still for a moment before slowly becoming aware of the details of her situation. She was on the pull-out couch, her arms were curled around someone who lay beside her, and, alarmingly, said person happened to be a peacefully sleeping Jane Sloan.

Jacqueline squeezed her eyes shut, certain she was imagining things. But when she opened them again, everything was exactly the same. The events of the previous night came rushing back and it took everything she had not to audibly groan. Jacqueline carefully untangled her limb’s from Jane’s and tried to slide out of bed without disturbing her. No such luck.

Jane’s eyes blinked open and she offered Jacqueline a lazy smile. “Hi.”

“Good morning,” Jacqueline replied, doing her best to maintain an even tone.

Suddenly, Jane seemed to become aware of her surroundings and practically jumped out of bed. “Oh my god, Jacqueline.” Her face paled, and she began to pace. “I’m so sorry. Oh my god. I’m so, so sorry. Oh. My god. Oh, god.”

“Jane!” Jacqueline stepped around the pull-out and placed her hands on Jane’s shoulders. “Jane!” she repeated, her grip tightening in an attempt to anchor the small woman and force her to be still and meet Jacqueline’s eyes. “It’s okay, seriously. Please don’t panic. You look like you’re going to throw up.”

“I might,” Jane whined. “Whether from embarrassment or this hangover remains to be seen.”

“I promise, everything is fine,” Jacqueline tried. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Jane took a deep breath and bit her lip, drawing Jacqueline’s gaze. Jacqueline jerked her eyes back up and cleared her throat. “Let me make some coffee, and then we can talk. Does that sound alright?”

Jane nodded uncertainly, collapsing back onto the mattress. “Just one thing….” she began, averting her eyes. “Did we…” she gestured vaguely. “You know?”

Jacqueline barely suppressed a snort and shook her head resolutely. “No. We didn’t do anything, actually. So just try to breathe and I’ll be back in a minute. Okay?”

“Okay. Coffee.” Jane breathed in through her nose and nodded, with a bit more conviction than before. “That’s fine. I can do coffee. Yeah. Okay. I can do that.”

Jacqueline smiled kindly and padded off towards the kitchen. Jane’s eyes trailed after her, unable to look away from Jacqueline’s retreating form...and more of the editor’s bare legs than she had ever seen. Jane covered her face with her hands and let out an extended groan.

* * *

 A few minutes later, Jacqueline reentered the living room, carrying a loaded wooden tray. She sat it down on the edge of the bed next to Jane and sat on the other side of it.

“Drink,” Jacqueline ordered, passing Jane a couple of ibuprofen and a glass of water.

Jane tossed back the pills, nearly draining the entire glass before setting it back on the tray. Jacqueline passed her a red mug of steaming coffee, which Jane accepted gratefully.

They sipped their coffee in companionable silence, neither quite ready for the impending discussion. Finally, Jacqueline took a deep breath and spoke. “So, what do you remember about last night?”

“Honestly?” Jane grimaced. “Not a lot.”

“Okay.”

“And...you promise? That we didn’t…or that I didn’t try to...you know.” Jane stared into her coffee cup and traced her index finger restlessly around its rim.

“You were drunk and upset and said you didn’t want to be alone, so I just brought you here. I helped you change and get into bed but decided it would be more appropriate for me to sleep in here. When I woke up, you’d moved in here with me.”

“Sorry about that,” Jane sighed heavily. “I’d never intentionally do anything to make you uncomfortable.”

“I never said you did,” Jacqueline replied matter of factly. Jane’s eyes went wide and she nearly choked on her coffee.

“Sorry,” Jane croaked, still coughing. “You just, uh...caught me off guard there.” Jacqueline offered her a small smile, pushing the tray further back onto the pull out so she could move closer to Jane.

“I’m sorry I upset you yesterday,” Jacqueline said softly, after a beat, covering Jane’s hand with her own. “I didn’t realize you would take it so hard.”

“Yeah, well,” Jane chuckled humorlessly. “I didn’t either.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess it never occurred to me that you could say no, so I hadn’t planned for that. After we spoke, I told Kat and Sutton you’d turned me down and that I just needed a drink and some space. So I went to the bar, turned off my phone, and tried to focus on anything other than...you.” Jane refused to meet Jacqueline’s eyes, unsure she could handle the potential rejection she could see mirrored in them.

“When I said you weren’t ready to come back to Scarlet, I meant it,” Jacqueline began, watching Jane’s face fall. “But I want you to know, it wasn’t meant as a personal rejection.”

“Then what was it?” Jane couldn’t help the edge in her tone. She still felt raw and emotional about the whole ordeal, despite the kindness the woman had shown her the night before.

“I only want what’s best for you, you have to know that.”

“Oh my god,” Jane laughed in disbelief. “Can you please just tell me the truth without using some cookie cutter cop-out line?”

“Jane, please.” Jacqueline pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “I’m trying to be honest with you.”

“Well, I guess you’re not trying hard enough, then,” Jane countered, crossing her arms across her chest. Her heart raced, and she couldn’t believe she’d spoken to Jacqueline Carlyle— _the_ Jacqueline Carlyle—like that.

“What do you want me to say?” Jacqueline asked, frustrated. “That I missed—no, miss—you?” She stood up, running a hand through her short hair. “That it hurt like hell to tell you no? That it killed me to let you walk out of my office like that?” Jacqueline turned away and stared straight ahead, out the window. “That what I wanted more than anything was to tell you how I really feel?”

“How you feel about...what?” Jane asked tentatively.

“About you.”

“About…me?”

“Yes,” Jacqueline replied, but didn’t turn around.

“Jacqueline…” Jane began, getting to her feet. “Please, just talk to me.” Her voice was quiet, hesitant, as she placed a hand on the blonde’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Jacqueline sighed. “Maybe this was a mistake.”

“No,” Jane blurted out suddenly, surprising herself. She stepped around to face Jacqueline and slowly raised her hand to the taller woman’s cheek. “Please don’t say that.” Jane’s voice cracked. “Please.”

“Your respect means the world to me.” Jacqueline finally met Jane’s gaze. “I would never want to do anything to put that at risk.”

“Please just stop,” Jane felt tears beginning to sting her eyes and decided to take a leap of faith. Jacqueline had already refused to hire her back, so what did she have to lose? Jane took a deep breath, raised up on her toes and pressed her lips against Jacqueline’s in a soft kiss. The editor’s eyes fluttered shut and Jane let out a small sigh of relief.

“Jane… Are you sure this is what you want?” Jacqueline asked seriously. “Before we take this any further, I want you to be absolutely certain.”

“Honestly?” Jane couldn’t help the goofy grin that spread across her face as she felt the tension begin to melt away. “I’ve don’t think I’ve ever been more sure of anything in my entire life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback, and please keep it coming! Let me know what you like or don’t like and what you feel works or doesn’t work. Constructive criticism is always welcome! :) In addition to comments here, I can also be reached via [tumblr ask](http://mirrens.tumblr.com/ask) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/tinyjanesloan).
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT (12.8.18): I’ve decided to make this the final chapter for the time being. I’ve had a hard time trying to figure out where to take the fic and I would rather end it while I’m proud of what I’ve wrote than try to force anything.
> 
> I do have a few other fic ideas for these two written down that I’m hoping to work on in the future.
> 
> Thanks for all your comments & support,  
> Andi


End file.
